11 signs you know you are with the one
By Ola Endress
I have been told so many times by friends, that they wish they had a relationship similar to mine.
But why? I feel like everyone should be happy in love, in a happy and healthy relationship. Shouldn't every single one of us experience a love like this? We should and you can, never limit yourself to anything less than you deserve!
Before I jump into this, let me tell you, I've had my fair share of bad relationships and some that weren't bad but I knew I was just settling with all of them. It wasn't until the right person came along, that I knew that all those people I was with in the past (even for many years), every single one of them was not the right person for me. Even if it was fine, however that was the problem it was just "fine". They say "when you know, you know" and I never really knew what that meant until I met James. It didn't take me long to know he was "the one" and when you know, it hits you without any doubt that this person is the one you were meant to be with.
Don't get me wrong, James and I both have our moments where we argue, disagree on things & are at each others throats but at the end of the day we cant picture ourselves being with anyone else.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or the perfect person however there are some basic traits that were lacking in every relationship I seemed to be in. Is it that hard for someone to not just make me an option or hang out with me when they had nothing else to do ? is it that hard for someone to not try and control my every move? I knew I was settling however because I was in all these "fine" or "bad" relationships, I stopped believing that true love really existed and that I should just put up with it.
Well thats it, you shouldn't have to just put up with it! if you want a great relationship then don't settle or give up on love. It is out there and you deserve to be happy and most importantly you deserve to be loved unconditionally. I believe we are all destined to be with our soul mate, if you haven't found them yet, don't give up hope no matter your current circumstance. He/she is out there so don't give up, you will find each other.
There are so many reasons why we "settle" with the person we are with. Scared of being alone is probably one of the top reasons why some of us don't rip the band aid off and just enjoy our own company, giving us a chance for the right person that is meant to be for us to come along. The right person is out there but he/she is never going to be with you if you are stuck wasting time on someone else. In saying that, nothing is ever a complete waste as they turn into lessons however if you are dwelling back and forth for some time turning it into a long time then yes you are wasting your time. Sometimes we have to go through shitty relationships to appreciate the right person when they come along, that does all the right and "basic" things that everyone should be doing in the first place. When that moment hits you of finding the right person it will all make sense why your previous relationships never worked out and you will be so grateful that you didn't just settle.
Now it goes without saying that no two relationships are the same however when you are with the right person not only should you be happy with your partner but when you ask yourself this important question - "Would this person sacrifice the same amount I would for them?". If its yes then that's great!, if not do you really want to go all out for someone, who wouldn't do the same for you?
So, how do you know you are with the right person, possibly the one ?
1. They make you feel loved & you are attracted to them - First off you know you are with the right person, that even after 6 years or more - you feel so loved, you feel wanted, you are put first and they always take care of you (they are always there for you, you can tell them anything without ever feeling judged, no matter the situation). Most importantly you still get butterflies when you are around them. Love doesn't have to be a fairytale, it doesn't even need to include gifts (these things aren't important) but there does need to be a balance and you do still need to feel like you are in love with the person you are meant to be with, regardless of how long you have been together.
It is important to be attracted to the person you are with otherwise you are just wasting your time. When I say attracted, let me clarify - you are attracted to all their traits - looks fade so if you are only with someone because of their looks and nothing else, it will only be a matter of time before you are asking yourself "what the hell am I doing with this person?". You should be attracted to who they are as a person. That means, their intellect, their personality, whatever turns you on and makes you attracted to someone in the first place.
Also note that I certainly don't mean "treat them mean, keep them keen" - attractive, if someone is doing that whole spiel on you - walk away! Don't let them fool you, they are playing you.
2. They don't abuse you - obviously physical abuse is never ok!! and you should never be with someone that lays a single finger on you (if you are, get out! i'm serious walk away right now and talk to someone about it!). I am also talking about emotional abuse.
"You will never find someone else that will put up with you", "You have so much baggage, you are lucky that I'm even with you", "You are lucky to have someone like me that goes out with someone like you".
If your partner talks about you negatively e.g "You're ugly, you're fat, you need to lose some weight! , "You used to be hot", "You embarrass me" , they humiliate you in any form, if they are manipulating you, they don't make you feel good about yourself - then get out right now!!! those relationships are not relationships, they are toxic. A person that says or does these things has no respect for you nor is that ever healthy for your own well-being. So why are you giving them a chance? there is NO excuse EVER for that sort of behaviour. So don't ever justify these type of actions in your head - LEAVE!
3.They see a future with you and include you in all their plans- I'm talking future living plans - "We should move in together, we should buy this together or when we buy a place together" . "How many kids are we going to have?", "Where should we go for a holiday?" If there is no future talks about this sort of thing especially after being with someone for a long period of time (over 2 -3 years long and no talks of this) then you are just wasting your time.
Someone that wants to be with you and sees a future with you, won't hesitate to let you know this! If there are no talks about the future or there is no "we" in most situations, then bring it up with them first and see what they say. If they hesitate or come up with some sort of bs excuse, the truth is they simply don't see a future with you or are keeping their options open. Yes it sucks as you have invested all this time in the relationship and it may hurt at first but why do you want to be with someone who is unsure about you?DO NOT SETTLE FOR THIS!
You will be way better off by being with someone else that does see a future with you. You should be with someone who is 110% certain about you!. That's the person you deserve to be with, you owe it to yourself to be with someone who can't picture their life without you & life is too short to put up with anything less.
4. There is no doubt in your mind that you are with the wrong person - You never question if you are with the right person, that thought should never cross your mind. Sure we all have arguments and disagreements with the ones we love but if you ever think "What am I doing with this person?", "Am I really supposed to be with him/her?". If you feel insecure about the relationship and don't address it or get the answers you want from them , then it would seem they are not the right person to be with.
5. They never make you feel insecure - When we feel insecure we tend to lash out to the person that is making us feel this way, which then ends up with us looking a bit crazy but was that really our fault? Its usually the person who is making you feel insecure to be like this. Obviously it goes without saying you should be doing your own thing, have your own life & vice versa when it comes to relationships.
It is unhealthy to rely solely on your partner because then it is a perfect set up for you to be insecure & this isn't healthy (so make sure you have your own life!).
However if you do your own thing, not relying on being around this person 24/7 and your partner is doing some of the things that are questionable to your relationship then you have every right to feel insecure, make sure you address this otherwise move on!
The person you are with will make you feel secure about everything, there is no hiding secrets, there is no putting you in uncomfortable situations like meeting up with the opposite sex at a stupid time in the night, hiding texts from you, not making you feel wanted, only seeing you during the week while its convenient for them, going out most weekends and not including you in any plans. Only calling you when they need something or are lonely. Only want to hang out at midnight. Those are just some examples when the person you are with isn't taking you or the relationship seriously.
6. They put in the hard yards with you - Relationships are a journey and one that you take together, it should never be one sided where you are putting in more than you are receiving back. If you spoil them, they should be making you feel special in some way or at least showing you how much you mean to them or how much they appreciate you!
If its living together, its doing the dishes together, or compromises where one person does one thing the other half does something else. They aren't lazy and put in the work for your relationship as it is their priority. Relationships are always about compromises and you both will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.
7. They don't get crazy jealous or try to control your every move - Jealousy is very unhealthy, if you feel like you have to sneak around because the person you are with would get jealous, rather than deal with how they may react, then hello, what are you doing?. If you are with someone that is constantly jealous, then it is safe to say you are not with the right person. Don't get me wrong, I have been jealous at times in past relationships but the person I was with was doing me no favours by not respecting the relationship & meeting up with other girls because "I should be cool with it".
Safe to say, I wasn't with the right person.
You should never feel like you are being controlled, you should have freedom to do what you want (of course while respecting your relationship). You should be able to go out and hang out with your friends on the weekends, go for nights out without your partner & without being interrogated.
If you are in a relationship where you feel trapped or controlled, please walk away, this isn't a relationship.
8. They never make you choose between you or your friends - If you are with someone, slowly noticing that you' re only hanging around your partner constantly (even if you live together you should have your own life!) then firstly this is very unhealthy! secondly this is very toxic behaviour. If you aren't hanging out with your friends anymore - especially because your partner doesn't seem to like them or because your partner wants all the time you consume to be on them - this isn't healthy behaviour and you need to address it or walk away.
There should never be an excuse to ditch your friends like that because of your current partner!EVER
They were there before this person entered into your life, and they will be there after if you end it with this person (which you probably should if they are not willing to share your time)
but they won't be there if you cut them out. You need your friends otherwise your going down a very dark hole that is going to be harder to crawl out of and you will feel isolated.
9. They express how they feel - If you are with someone who doesn't express how they feel towards you, they hardly tell you that they love you and/or they only show you any sort of affection when they are in bed with you, then this isn't normal behaviour of someone who genuinely loves you (FYI, i'm talking about when you are in a relationship with someone and not when you are a week in to the relationship)
10. They fight for you - They always have your back no matter what the situation. There are times where they may not agree on something you do or say BUT they will always have your back. They will make you feel safe, they will always be there for you and they will always fight for you. If its protecting or fighting for you against strangers, friends and even family. They are 100% loyal to you and you never have to question them. They got you.
11. They don't change who you are - They let you be yourself, they embrace your quirky features and weird characteristics . They love you for exactly who you are and don't try to mould you to become someone you aren't. They build you up and make you a better version of who you are as well as bringing out your best qualities. They love all of you without any judgement.
These points work both ways, you should also be applying these traits to your current relationship as a relationship goes both ways.
If you are ever in a situation you are not happy with, ask yourself "if my friend was going through this, would I tell him/her to do something about it? would I tell him/her they should leave this person?" if you would tell them to move on then you really should be applying that to yourself.
It is never too late to find your soul mate and it is never too late to fall in love (with the right person).
Give yourself that chance to experience what love is supposed to feel like and give yourself the right to be with someone who respects you and loves you for you (all of you)
Don't settle, you are throwing away your life & a chance to really be happy
Do it for yourself.
DISCLAIMER : This is my opinion and my opinion I have created through my previous & present relationships. I appreciate that people want and need different things out of a relationship and we are not all the same. In all relationships you always need to work together however I feel like the 11 points above are the basic foundations for a healthy and long lasting relationship.
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO START A NEW LIFE FOR YOURSELF - AT ANY AGE OR ANY POINT IN YOUR LIFE.
Thanks for reading!